Nancy's Whereabouts In 2008

Hieu Tran is an occasional contributing writer to Ten Pretty Girls, freelancing and living in San Francisco.

You may have noticed that Nancy Lichtenstein has been MIA of late. Readers who are used to a more frequent stream of articles from her may have pondered her absence, perhaps speculating the reasons for it. Did she have an accident? Did she find something better to do? Did she run out of ideas?

Rest assured, Nancy is doing just fine. She did not have an accident. She did not find something better, because there is nothing better. And she did not run out of ideas, since writers don’t actually come up with ideas; they merely watch the world around them then lie about it.

The reason for Nancy’s absence this year is fairly simple: this year has been very involving. The world is changing fast, and not just the fashion world. From the controversial Beijing Games to the first African American president-elect, Nancy has been getting involved in an attempt to bring just a bit more to her articles in the future.

Here is a snippet of her 2008 travelogue:

January 9--India’s Tata Motors releases the Tata Nano, the world’s most inexpensive car. Nancy negotiates the starting price of the car to $2,000, making it a standard accessory for every Hermes "Birkin" handbag.

February 4--Nancy prevents scandal at the Super Bowl. The New England Patriots are kept from illegally taping a New York Giants practice. Unable to cheat, the Patriots lose the Super Bowl and their perfect season. Humanitarians around the world rejoice over the outcome and over the fact that another Super Bowl has passed without a “wardrobe malfunction.”

May 30--The “Sex and the City” movie releases. Nancy would like to think that the Carrie Bradshaw character is based on her and not Candace Bushnell.

July 4--To celebrate the nation’s birth, Nancy takes out a second mortgage on her home and sells a Prada bag in order to pay for a tank of gas at $4.59 a gallon so that she could drive to the New Jersey shores to see fireworks.

July 18--Comic book fans rave over Nancy’s Kevlar-suited stunt work in “The Dark Knight” as she begins her campaign to sink “Titanic” as box-office king. Kevlar, by the way, is the new leather.

August 8 – 24--The Olympics is held in Beijing. Nancy, having trained in LA for months, takes home silver in the low-profile but dangerous breathing event. Four other contestants suffer critical injuries in the competition. On a side note, gas masks and surgical masks become items of high fashion all over China.

August 29--John McCain chooses former beauty pageant contestant from Alaska, Sarah Palin, as running mate over Nancy, making Palin the first vice presidential candidate to be able to shoot wolves from a helicopter and model swimsuits.

September 15--The economy tanks. Nancy has nothing to do with this.

October 4--Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama confirms charges that he’s “palling around with Nancy Lichtenstein.” Obama cites that Nancy has good fashion sense.

November 4--Nancy, peeved at being passed over as GOP running mate, single-handedly elects Barack Obama as the first African American US president in the form of a landslide. Obama cites that Nancy has good political sense to go with her good fashion sense.

December 14--Nancy throws her Gucci shoes at President Bush at a press conference in Baghdad.

Whew! So, as you can see, Nancy has been all over the place. Understandably, she hasn’t had time to write about everything just yet. But the year will be turning over soon, and next year promises to be a good one for the world at large and for, of course, the frocks, scarves and shoes that make the world go ‘round.