How To Receive Your AIG Bonus In Style

Hieu Tran is an occasional contributing writer to Ten Pretty Girls, freelancing and living in San Francisco.

SAN FRANCISCO, March 18—Zoogster Costumes reports that item RA7202 is sold out. The run on the costume is being blamed on the recent AIG bonuses—also known as “retention payments.”

The costume is apparently the preferred outfit for all AIG employees who are standing in line to receive the million-dollar bonuses rewarded to them for helping their company post the largest loss—$61.7 billion dollars in a quarter—in corporate history, while multi-tasking to the effect of helping trash the global economy, resulting in numerous job losses, failed businesses, loss of homes and swallowing of pride in begging for jobs that once were considered ridiculous and demeaning. Since then, AIG has asked numerous times for billions of dollars in taxpayers’ money, in the form of bailouts, to help keep the company from going bankrupt.

The suit, complete with matching hat, enables executives to identify which AIG employees should be freely given hard-earned American taxpayer money—money which, according to AIG executives, the American taxpayers didn’t need anyway.

When asked for comment about the suit, AIG CEO Edward Liddy remarked, “These bonuses are part of the contract of these remarkable employees. But boy, they’ve really earned it! And when you see them in the Zoogster suit, you just understand how remarkable these guys really are.” Liddy paused, then, with a twinkle in his eye, he assured, “Oh, and please don’t worry about the money spent on buying the suits. We didn’t require our outstanding employees to buy them. Instead, American tax dollars went into purchasing the suits for them.”

A Zoogster Costumes representative commented, “That’s pretty cool that they bought all the RA7202 costumes. It’s good for our business, so that totally rocks.” Then he thought for a bit, then added, “But since my tax money is buying the suits for them, I guess that totally sucks balls.”